We’ve talked for many years about what has gone wrong in spiritual communities and organizational structures since the inception of the 2006 #Metoo movement. Instead of analyzing the structural problems incessantly, in a more positive and forward thinking way, I’d like to examine the vision of what a healthy spiritual community could look like.

You have all heard the story that if you’ve grown up in a family of origin where there is violence or alcoholism, or someone with a significant personality disorder, without professional help and deep healing, the adult child can grow up to re-create those same unhealthy dynamics in their own families. It’s the old image of a woman whose father was an alcoholic tends to subconsciously seek out alcoholic men, and those patterns can get recreated from one generation to the next.

For an adult, who’s had significant family of origin issues, it’s easy to ignore red flags that “normal” well adjusted people would naturally steer clear from. But in truth, actually the opposite happens, you meet someone that reminds you of the hurt, betrayal or wounding inflicted by a parent and you feel a sense of familiarity, and even more so, a subconscious drive to try to right the wrongs and deep pain of your past with something called a trauma reenactment. 

What also is true is that if you grew up or lived in any dysfunctional household with an abuser, addict or someone that had narcissistic tendencies, these families actually operate like mini cults. There are unspoken rules of safety where you have to care-take and tiptoe around the disordered person lest there be consequences of psychological, emotional, financial or physical violence.

When this unhealed adult comes into community, they often actually seek out and recreate unhealthy friend groups, religions, or entire communities that operate like cults without seeing any red flags whatsoever. Unhealthy organizations, also known as high demand or high control groups or full on cults, often prey on those who are spiritual seekers, longing for family, and community and are vulnerable.

Time and time again when you first join one of these organizations, you are “love bombed,” thinking that you found your true family and they really appreciate you. Later, after you have become invested through time, social relationships, financial commitments, and indoctrination, the organization’s ownership and control can begin to take hold. You may be exalted when you conform and dismissed, hurt, or insulted when you question or resist, making it increasingly difficult to leave, especially if you were born into an organization like this.

Therefore, part of my personal healing coming from a dysfunctional family of origin is to finally begin to have my own agency, inner intelligence and discrimination that seeks out people, ideologies, community and cultures that offer signs of safety and health before I would allow them into my personal heart and commitment. I’ve come up with a number of things to look for instead of fear-based red flags, looking for green flags, and these can be applied to interpersonal relationships, a spiritual community or looking to choose a spiritual teacher.

As anyone who follows my blog knows well that I’ve been a Buddhist practitioner for over three decades. I’ve lived over in Asia for a few years and met an amazing authentic spiritual teacher, and in contrast, belonged to a large global Tibetan Buddhist community based here in Boulder, Colorado that proved to have a lot of control and cult-like tenets. I’ve been on both religious and secular boards of directors and volunteered for the organizations for many years. Now what interests me is a vision of what we could really create, that would be healthy for students to be able to make genuine, spiritual progress.

One of the first things to look at is to see what happens when somebody gets hurt, or if a member of the organization disagrees with the teacher or if somebody points out some type of pattern of unkindness or abuse. How does the community react when there is any type of complaint, disagreement, conflict, power struggle, injury or resignation? 

That is where I think you discover what a community is really made of. A community can have idyllic teachings about tolerance, compassion, forgiveness and ethics and yet have in practice, unhealthy interpersonal dynamics and relationships. A spiritual teacher can be charismatic, knowledgeable, lofty and inspiring while still having serious concerns with conduct, power and accountability.

We’ve all studied narcissistic patterns for many years in individual relationships, and we’ve talked a lot about the traditional three stage process of idealize, devalue and discard. We also talk about what happens when a narcissistic or disordered person is confronted. There is something called narcissistic injury, or god-forbid the narcissistic rage.

Unhealthy people cannot generally tolerate even the slightest minor criticism and likewise in community… What happens if you are slightly critical- look for a narcissistic retaliation, escalation, which usually results in some type of silencing, ghosting, discarding, demonizing or community excommunicating. Giant, blazing red flags, and that’s how most of the Tibetan Buddhist communities that I was raised in operate. I discovered that you are not allowed to question, really anyone that they deem exalted. Teachers can do no wrong, no matter what is proven to the contrary. There are serious consequences for questioning and dissent.

I know nothing is ideal, utopian or perfect, but sometimes these communities have encoded tenets of structural harm. I no longer want to spend my life learning to tolerate unhealthy environments, nor do I want to waste my energy futilely trying to reform them. I want to become better at recognizing and hopefully co-creating healthier ones. These are the green flags I look for now, whether I am entering a new community, developing a potentially close relationship, or considering studying with a spiritual teacher.

1. You can say no without being punished

One of the simplest and most important green flags is the ability to say no. You should be able to decline an invitation, question a teaching, change your level of participation, establish a boundary, or simply say, “I don’t agree or that doesn’t work for me,” without being made to feel morally defective.

This matters enormously in spiritual communities because spiritual language can make ordinary boundaries surprisingly complicated. A no can be interpreted as pride. A question can be interpreted as resistance. Discomfort can be interpreted as a lack of devotion. I have learned that a healthy teacher or community does not need me to abandon my own judgment in order to demonstrate commitment.

2. You can disagree without being exiled

Another green flag I look for now is the ability to disagree without exile. Healthy communities do not require unanimous agreement, and healthy relationships do not require two people to experience everything, even its doctrine, in exactly the same way.

I have experienced situations where raising a concern became more important than the concern itself. Instead of discussing what had happened, the focus shifted toward who was difficult, who was causing the problem, or what might supposedly be wrong with the person speaking up. That taught me how quickly disagreement can become a character judgment when a system cannot tolerate nuance and complexity. A healthy community can say, “We disagree with you,” without saying, “Therefore you are a bad person, crazy, possessed, etc.” A healthy teacher can hear criticism without automatically turning the student into an enemy.

3. Conflict has a method of rePAIR

Conflict and misunderstanding are inevitable wherever human beings gather. The real question is whether the community has the capacity to work with it. I learned this particularly through recently serving on a board. During one meeting, another male board member repeatedly interrupted me, raised his voice, disagreed and I was cut off several times. I wanted to address what had happened relationally with the board in an open, caring and transparent way. I asked for a simple conversation because I believed that was what a healthy organization was supposed to encourage. That was never offered- I was rather ghosted, without resolve. I’ve seen this time and time again in these faux “enlightened” communities.

We must have relational capacity to be healthy. The person was eventually removed from the board, but the underlying rupture was never really addressed with me. I am, to this day, blamed for his conduct for speaking up for myself, and members gossip about me behind my back. I came away understanding that organizations can be very good at following a teacher’s commands while being surprisingly poor at repairing relationships. A green flag is an organization, relationship, or teacher who knows how to respond when something goes wrong and actually puts their stated values, such as compassion, accountability, honesty, and respect, into practice.

4. People can tell the truth and remain welcome

I now pay close attention to whether people are allowed to tell their truth without losing their belonging. This does not mean every interpretation or accusation has to be accepted as fact or that every behavior has to be tolerated. It means there is room for people to speak honestly about their experiences without immediately being discredited.

This has become particularly important to me after many years in spiritual communities. I have seen how quickly people can become afraid of saying what they actually think when belonging, friendship, teachings, volunteer opportunities, or social standing depend upon staying in good favor with leadership. We must be able to speak truth to power. A healthy community makes room for honest feedback. It does not require everyone to be “love and light” positive in order to be considered spiritual. It does not confuse loyalty with silence.

5. Leaders are accountable to someone

A spiritual teacher should have authority, but authority should never mean absolute immunity from accountability. Expertise and wisdom do not make someone infallible. My years around Tibetan Buddhist communities, including my experiences around Shambhala, have made me think deeply about hierarchy, charisma, loyalty, and what happens when reverence suppresses critical thinking. I do not believe spiritual hierarchy itself is automatically abusive or unhealthy. Teachers can indeed have value and expertise. More experienced practitioners have knowledge beginners do not yet have, and communities can thrive with benevolent leadership.

The green flag is what happens when that leadership is questioned. Can the teacher say, “I may be wrong”? Can students raise concerns? Is there an independent governing body? Can the leader be investigated? Does the teacher have peers who can challenge them? Can someone leave without becoming the subject of gossip or condemnation? A respected teacher should not need to be protected from questions or keep secrets, and does not engender hypocrisy.

6. The community has a real process for complaints

One of the most practical things I would investigate today is what happens when someone has a serious concern. Is there a clear process for making a complaint? Can you speak to someone other than the person you are concerned about? Is there an independent board or governing body?

These questions might not sound particularly spiritual, but I have come to see them as deeply ethical. Compassion needs a structure through which it can operate. If an organization talks constantly about compassion but has nowhere for an injured person to go, that’s a concern. The green flag is that problems can be resolved.

7. There is protection against retaliation

I consider anti-retaliation protections one of the strongest green flags an organization can have. People should be able to raise concerns without fearing that they will lose their friendships, position, access to teachings, employment, volunteer opportunities, or standing in the community simply because they spoke up.

This is especially important in spiritual communities because people may have spent decades building their lives there. Their teacher may be there. Their closest friends may be there. Their spiritual identity may be there. Their sense of home may be there.

When belonging becomes conditional by silence, there is no real freedom of conscience. A healthy organization can distinguish between raising a concern and behaving abusively. It can investigate a complaint without assuming the complainant is right or wrong. It can establish boundaries without retaliating against someone for speaking.

8. The community does not need a scapegoat

One of the most concerning dynamics I have learned to recognize is scapegoating. In small communities and towns especially, information and “gossip” travels quickly. People know one another, friendships overlap, leaders know the board, board members know teachers, and stories about difficult situations can spread informally.

Eventually, someone can become “the difficult person,” “the negative person,” “the unstable person,” or “the person who causes problems.” Once that happens, everything they do may be interpreted through the story. If they complain, they are difficult. If they defend themselves, they are defensive. If they withdraw, they are unstable. If they stay, they are unwelcome and “causing problems.” If they leave, they are the person who could not get along. Awful.

Here is a quote from a female community member:

“Along the way I expressed concerns to my peers and the leadership and was dismissed, insulted or placated every time. Dismissing me as an angry, hysterical person, who doesn’t see clearly, is a time-honored way to silence a woman.”  Laura Leslie February 2019

I have learned to become very cautious when an entire community seems to have a single person everyone agrees is the problem. Healthy communities value students and investigate what happened. Unhealthy systems often investigate what is supposedly wrong … with the person.

9. Self-examination goes in every direction

Spiritual practice often encourages self-reflection, and that can be deeply transformational. I have spent years examining my own behavior, motivations, projections, reactions, attachments, and mistakes and sought out religious trauma experts.

There came a point, however, when I realized that self-examination can also become a way of holding constant self-blame as well as silencing and gaslighting yourself. If every difficult experience is automatically interpreted as your issue, your projection, your attachment, your lack of compassion, or your spiritual failure, you can lose the ability to recognize when something outside yourself is structurally unsound.

A healthy community must ask, “What might we need to reflect, examine and change about ourselves?” That is one of the most important green flags I know. I haven’t really seen this happen fully in my tradition.

10. People can leave without becoming enemies

I used to think that leaving meant I was unlikable or had failed, and blamed myself. I wondered whether I had not been compassionate enough, patient enough, forgiving enough, spiritual enough, or committed enough. I wondered whether I simply needed to work harder, apologize again, or understand their perspective better.

I no longer believe that. Sometimes boundaries and even leaving is [an  act of] health and  discernment. Sometimes it is the first autonomous decision a person has made, ever. Sometimes it means recognizing that a particular environment, community or culture is simply not healthy any longer and one can develop genuine spiritual maturity. Being able to leave with dignity over demonization is a profound green flag.

11. Apologies lead to changed behavior

Words matter, but behavior matters more. Someone can espouse compassion, humility, accountability, and love. I look for people who can say, “I hurt you. I understand why. I am sorry. Here is what I am going to do differently going forward.”

The real green flag is not perfection, it is the ability to repair. A healthy teacher can acknowledge a mistake. A healthy partner can apologize without defensively explaining why the other person is actually responsible. A healthy organization can even change a doctrinal tenet or policy after discovering that it causes harm.

An apology that produces no change is only a temporary, placating band-aid. A genuine apology allows us to grow and the students are valued and not disposable.

12. You feel more like yourself, not less

Perhaps the most important green flag is the simplest one: you gradually become more of your best self. You do not have to constantly monitor what you say. You do not have to perform fake thespian spirituality. You do not have to earn approval. You do not have to suppress your voice in order to maintain belonging. You can deepen your own sense of power, wisdom and trust yourself.

A healthy spiritual teacher should ultimately help you develop greater inner discernment, not infantile co-dependency. A healthy community should expand your capacity for connection, insight and growth rather than require you to surrender your individuality. This is genuine, human love and the difference between authentic spirituality and closed, submissive, structured religion.

What I look for now

If I were entering a new spiritual community today, I would spend less time listening to the wooing language and more time watching what actually happens. I would watch how people treat the person who disagrees. I would watch what happens when someone says no. I would notice how people talk about those who have left. I would pay attention to whether the most “powerful” spiritual expert person in the room can be questioned, listens and shows humility.

If I were considering a spiritual teacher, I would want to know whether that teacher has accountability, whether students can question them, whether they acknowledge mistakes, whether they maintain appropriate boundaries, and whether their students become more independent or increasingly dependent upon them.

In our tradition, we are told to examine a teacher for 3, 6, 9 or 12 years before accepting them. After having accepted them, you are supposed to do whatever they say, and have unquestioning “pure perception.” The problem with this, is that spiritual teachers who are unethical can run a wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing con on the public for many years where you don’t see what’s really behind closed doors. Also, even if you’ve examined someone that once had all the best altruistic intentions, over the years, people in exalted roles can take liberties with students and become intoxicated with sexual and financial power.

If the community is unhealthy and refuses to change, walking away is not failure

For a long time, I thought walking away meant I had failed. I do not think that anymore. I do not have to convince an unhealthy community that I am sound, heartfelt and healthy. I do not have to persuade an organization to value transparency, or.. me. I do not have to convince a teacher to become accountable. I can simply decide that these are qualities I require in the communities where I invest my life.

That is not victimhood; that is agency- growing up. There is a profound difference between saying, “They hurt or rejected me,” feeling victimized or saying, “I have recognized that this environment does not support the kind of relationships/community I want, and I am choosing where and where not  to place my energy.”

I want relationships where hurt and conflict can lead to deeper understanding, learning and healing rather than punishment or abandonment.

I now look only for authenticity.

The 12 Green Flags To Look For

1. You can say no without being punished. Your boundaries are respected without guilt, pressure, withdrawal, or retaliation.
2. You can disagree without being exiled. Differences of opinion do not automatically become judgments about your character, spirituality, or worth.
3. Conflict has a method of repair. There is a meaningful way to address disagreements, ruptures, complaints, and misunderstandings rather than simply avoiding them.
4. People can tell the truth and remain welcome. Honest questions, criticism, and difficult experiences can be expressed without automatically losing belonging.
5. Leaders are accountable. Teachers, spiritual leaders, boards, and other people with authority are still subject to appropriate oversight and questioning.
6. There is a real process for complaints. The community has clear, accessible ways to raise concerns, including situations involving leadership.
7. There is protection against retaliation. Speaking up does not mean risking your friendships, position, opportunities, or standing in the community. Whistleblowers are protected.
8. The community does not need a scapegoat. Healthy groups investigate what happened instead of automatically deciding what is wrong with the person who raises the concern.
9. Self-examination goes in every direction. Members are encouraged to examine themselves, but leadership and the organization are also willing to examine their own behavior. They live by what they preach.
10. People can leave without becoming enemies. You can decide that a community, relationship, or teacher is no longer right for you without being demonized for leaving.
11. Apologies lead to changed behavior. Accountability is demonstrated through action, not simply through spiritual language or carefully worded faux apologies.
12. You feel more like yourself, not less. Healthy relationships and spiritual communities should strengthen your discernment, autonomy, confidence, and capacity to be fully yourself.